JG Pasterjak
Hi everyone… Since we're now eight times a year, I'm too busy making a magazine to write my own bio. So I contacted my good friend, Hollywood screenwriter Shane Black, to take care of it for me. Shane penned the screenplays for such blockbuster hits as Last Boy Scout, Long Kiss Goodnight, Last Action Hero and Lethal Weapon 1 thru 4, as well as other films whose titles start with letters other than “L.”
Actually, Shane was busy, too, working on his new top secret project “Rambo vs. Shrek.” So he got his cousin, who attends the Malibu Primary Education Center for the Differently Abled, to write it for me. Hope you like it:
“Once there was this totally bad-ass bear in Vietnam in 1970. The bear would totally go around mauling and eating soldiers on both sides since he was totally anti-war but figured it was him or them so it was okay to eat the soldiers since they'd probably shoot him anyway.
So one day this bear is walking along in the jungle and hears like “Bravo niner tango rector vector hector go go go” all scratchy like it's on a cheap radio and totally sees these army guys in like space outfits with these beakers and stuff.
So the bear figures that here's a awesome chance to take out a bunch of Army guys so he jumps out of the bushes an goes “Raaawwwwrr… you Army guys are totally dead… Rawwwrrrwwr!” (the bear could totally talk and stuff).
So the Army guys pull off their space helmets and show that they're actually “TOTAL BAD-ASS BLACK OPS ASSASSIN SCIENTISTS WORKING ON A SECRET GERM WARFARE DEAL.”
Two of the Army guys pull out their assassin scientist swords and the other two pulled out like these electric balls on ropes that they tried to throw at the bear. The Bear totally takes out the sword guys with this like ninja-Bear foot move. But the ball things wrapped around his feet and he totally tripps into this vat of chemical warfare! with the electric balls going full blast and there's like all these totally awesome sparks and stuff.
When the smoke clears the bear isn't a bear anymore but a MAN! Twenty years later that MAN asked Tim for a job and got it and now he works here.